I’ve been in desperate places before God lately. At the start of every day last week Haisten counted down the days to his birthday. Only 15 more days mama. Only 13 more days mama. Only 10. As a parent it was difficult for me to struggle with not being as excited as he was about his birthday but also thankful that he didn’t understand why. I faked it, the enthusiasm. I’ll fake it again all weekend long as the day seeps in. It’s so strange how something can be so silent and so like nails on the chalk board at the same time. Haisten is a baby that was full of miracles. He had a soft spirit that taught me so much about my young adult self. They say if a mother has a girl first she needs a friend, but if she has a boy she needed love. I found that true in my own life, but more than my own, I watched its call to action in my Moms. For those of you that don’t know my mom was an addict. I could give pounds of testimony of hers and maybe I should one day, but for the sake of time I’ll tell you this: after some time in prison, her sobriety was short lived and she opted for another stay in rehab. During that stay, I found out I was pregnant with my son. I didn’t know God then, but I knew that this was His hand and her chance. I don’t think anyone would argue that Haisten’s presence in her life was the largest portion of her found sobriety. When Gracie came along, she loved her unconditionally and my other kids after that, but Haisten… he saved her. Seven in biblical numerology means complete, rest; it also a sign of healing and of promise. Seven is used in the Bible 735 times, 54 times in Revelation alone. Our world was spoken into existence in 6 days, complete after a day of rest on the 7th day. The Bible, as a whole, was originally divided into 7 major divisions. They are 1) the Law; 2) the Prophets; 3) the psalms; 4) the Gospels and Acts; 5) the General Epistles; 6) the Epistles of Paul; and 7) the book of Revelation. The total number of originally inspired books was forty-nine, or 7 x 7, demonstrating the absolute perfection of the Word of God. In Matthew, there are 7 parables of Jesus. Chapter 7, my favorite, is the chapter that speaks to the unsaved Christian that he does not know. There are 7 annual Holy days. Jesus performed 7 healing miracles on the sabbath (7th day, holy) The Lord’s Prayer is composed of 7 parts: 1- hallowed be your name, that we would acknowledge Him as Holy and separate 2- your kingdom come, that we would live in Christ and not in fellowship with sin 3- your will be done, that we would choose His will over our own 4-give us today our daily bread, that the Lord would be our sustenance 5- and forgive us for our trespasses, that we would repent 6- as we forgive those that trespass against us, that we would forgive as Christ has forgiven 7- and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, that we might share in the protection of our God, out of harms way from the enemy. Seven trumpets played by seven priests for seven days to bring down the walls of Jericho. It took Solomon seven years to build the temple. The Israelites were exiled in Babylon for 70 years. Jesus said forgiven 70×7 times to represent complete and total reconciliation and restoration. In the book of Revelation there are seven churches, seven angels to the seven churches, seven seals, seven trumpet plagues, seven thunders and the seven last plagues. The first resurrection of the dead takes place at the 7th trumpet, completing salvation for the Church. My mom showed up in the middle of her relapse last year Haistens 7th birthday. It was the last time my family and I would see her alive. Days later when I held the hands of my babies and made her death sound like something super magical, he drew her a rainbow because “those were her favorite and God liked them too.” The rainbow has seven colors, and symbolizes a promise from God. While many other symbols of promise are weaved throughout scripture many times, the rainbow? It is mentioned only 7 times. “A little while, and you will see me no longer; and again a little while, and you will see me.” So some of his disciples said to one another, “What is this that he says to us, ‘A little while, and you will not see me, and again a little while, and you will see me’; and, ‘because I am going to the Father’?” So they were saying, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We do not know what he is talking about. Jesus knew that they wanted to ask him, so he said to them, “Is this what you are asking yourselves, what I meant by saying, ‘A little while and you will not see me, and again a little while and you will see me’? Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” John 16 This is the passage of scripture I read with the message I gave at Mama’s funeral. Several chapters leading up to this piece of scripture, Jesus had been trying to prepare the disciples for his death but they did not understand. Knowing their questions, Jesus told them a time was coming that will hurt. He warns that they will weep and mourn, but that sorrow will turn into joy. He compares this anguish to labor. When you can hold the fruit of what you’ve suffered through, you can’t remember the tears that you’ve spent all those hours counting before. I was talking to a friend on the phone yesterday and she was telling me of a breakthrough with someone she and I have been praying over for some time now and as she described it, I was overwhelmed with the spirit of God. Immediately after chills rushed down my arms, I felt rebound anger. I told her how thankful I was to hear that, but was entirely vulnerable when I also told her how frustrating it was for me. The last several weeks I’ve been literally on my face before the Lord and it’s like I cannot summon His presence. No matter how much I sift the scriptures and posture myself, it’s like I can’t call and He come. I laughed as I confessed to her that I had recently bought a guitar because… work and school and life… Ive spent a lot of time ‘busy’ and thought this could be a new way to connect with the Lord. I’ve had the guitar for a few days now and I put some chords together last night and they felt so familiar but I could not place them. This morning I get up early to leave for Livingston, Al for work. The lights were left on and my battery was dead. It would be an hour before my husband would be home so I could getting going so I go inside and open up my Bible to where I last left off. Numbers 6. “The LORD bless you and keep you; The LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; The LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.” After I cried before both my friend and the Lord yesterday afternoon for a piece of anything to grasp to, He gave me chords I recognized, but didn’t understand. The next morning, He made me stop and gave me the rest. There are things the Lord tries to prepare us for, things we do not understand, things we ask for, things we resist, things we try to pray our way out of. Prayer is the vessel in which commune with God, not the portal in which we submit our requests. If we continue reading in John 16 we see this: “In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.” You will receive does not mean you will get. The Greek word here is λαμβάνω. It means Accept, + be amazed, assay, attain, bring, X when I call, catch, come on (X unto), + forget, have, hold, obtain, receive (X after), take (away, up). The detailed definition is to take: To take with the hand, lay hold of, any person or thing in order to use it, to take up a thing to be carried, to take upon one’s self. When we look at all of these things above in full context, it breaks down what Jesus is relaying. You will not call on me- means I will not be here because I will have died on your behalf. Instead, you will call on God because I’ve opened a way for you two to know one another. Whatever you ask the Father in my name, you will receive- means you are going to get to fellowship with him y’all, and when you do, when you meet him, truly meet him, you will be in awe. He will call you according to his will and you will receive that call and take it. You will receive his hand and be carried as He uses you. God used Haisten to make a way for me to have a relationship with my mom that I never had, and seven years later, after that relationship was restored completely, 7 years exactly, He gave her healing. When our dad died, my sister was nine. I had to tell her there had been an accident, and our dad was dead. I find it strange that after all of these years of sobriety, seven years, I scrambled to my sister so I could be there to tell her our mother was now dead, too, and all I did was wake her. I didn’t have to say a word. It’s like deep down we always had a fear that addiction would end her life one day, but in between two periods of grief, God gave us grace to restore the things that were broken. Jesus was so intentional with his conversations with his disciples leading up to his crucifixion, but they lacked understanding… and don’t we too? I’ve been so angry because I was so certain that her death would mean something specific in the lives of my kids, that everyone would see that death doesn’t always knock but just intrudes and that resolve and reconciliation just can’t wait, that the path of divide is destructive and those in its path are innocent.. and a year later nothing has changed. Some times God will use a death or a diagnosis and then there are mornings He will whisper through a poorly played guitar but his construct, his plan is absolutely perfect. Pray and receive really translate pray and be used. God does not need our participation in order to accomplish His will, but I do believe our participation determines how we experience it. We can receive all He has for us with evasiveness or we can stand in the places He has provided for us and be vessels of testimony and invitation. Either way, He is still God and both ways He is still in control. Father, I pray over every hurting addict today, God. I pray seven times, that there may be healing and power in the place where they ask ‘in Jesus’ name’ and you take. I pray for the veil to be torn between the hard things in our lives and your purpose for them and for me, that we would stand, even weeping, ready and willing for you to take and use because yours is the kingdom and it will come. Instead of asking God, I’m thanking. Thank you, Lord, for the peace that is in me and with me Lord, for the whispers, and for You Amen, #Mercychristfollowerofchristproblemschristianbloggerjesusheisgood #TruthTeachMeGuidemeHopeitrustinYouagoodheartmessandmercymessandmercyblog #GodTruthTeachMeGuidemeHopeitrustinYou #ChristLightInthewordMadeNewTrustUnfailingLovegracemercyshame #HiswillbrokenpiecesGodreligiontruthMessandmercy #Messandmercy #MessandmercySalvationJesusSaves #messandmercythegreatiamgodis #GodTiredMercyReligiousRest #GodTiredMercyAngerReligiousRevengeRest #religionreligiousGod #Messandmercymessandmercywordshehealsbrokenessbrokentrustfaith #bible

“Mama, this hurts really bad when I touch it.” “Well baby, don’t touch. We’ve got to leave it alone and let it heal. Leave it be, it’ll be all better.” “Oh yeah, okay Mama.” She just took it. So matter of fact, that answer was okay with her. She left the bruise alone, but when she fell on it… that hurt hurt even more. My kids were playing. The sun was out. The laughs were loud and the fresh cut grass made the day smell even better. You know those days? The ones that even in all the chaos there’s a warmth even for the moment that says life isn’t just okay, it’s good? Time just stands still. I was sweeping my front porch and noticed a gap in one of my doors I painted in the fall. My eyes immediately flooded with tears before I even had time to grab them. Time scrambled backwards without me even giving it permission. Suddenly I was sitting in the gap of that door with a paint brush reliving another gap- one I pushed over because other bruises hurt more than that one. I was going through the motions- up, down, dip, repeat when my mom stumbled out of her car the night of my son’s 7th birthday. I could tell by the flap of her feet, before any words were spoken, that she was altered. More bruises, more gaps. More racing back of time to all the visits in rehab, the visit to the penitentiary. It wasn’t the familiar sound of her feet that hurt me, but what it had represented so many times all those years before. She laughed as she approached the porch, no gap there- just confirmation, and she sounded free. That wasn’t a time of travel, but one of understanding. Things hurt her too. She couldn’t touch them. For years she left them be, giving them time to heal. But for her they just didn’t. “Baby, don’t touch it. Give it time to heal.” “Okay, Mama” I preach transparency, honesty, real and raw reflection of self. I tell you that healing is better than pretending, that looking good isn’t the same as being good, and that God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be. I believe that it saves us; it saved me. There’s a encounter in the Bible that involves Jesus, the disciples, and a blind man. I think as readers and studiers of the Word, we often narrate it’s stories around our lives. In this particular story, the followers of Jesus wanted to know what this man or his parents may have done that caused him to become blind. For a long time, and maybe even until just now, I always pictured myself as this man. Some days I play the victim and I wonder why all of these awful things have happened, and others I play the victor, sitting back while others point and gossip about who they think I am, the places they think I may have come from, or the things they think I may have done. I don’t know all of these people because I’m blind, remember, but for some of them I recognize their voices. Some are deacons others are community pillars but all of them are Christians. I can tell by the way they frame their accusations and light their arrows: “Bless her heart she…” “I’ve been praying, did you know…” “I just don’t understand how she…” I wonder why, in this biblical encounter, Jesus was so quick to quiet His disciples, to correct them, but yet there is still so much noise around my story or yours? Perhaps His followers today aren’t walking as closely as they’d like to imagine? Jesus told the disciples no, it’s not him, it’s not his parents, it’s me. I did it, I allowed it. It’s for my glory. Even as I sit at this very moment, letting my heart pour its convictions over the tips of my fingers, I see me there all this time before- just sitting, listening. I imagine the blind guy praying, waiting, maybe even knowing, like I do, that God will use this all, but as unfortunate as his circumstance may be, he’s an ears distance away listening to Jesus speak on his behalf, to correct on his behalf, silence on his behalf. “Baby don’t touch it, give it time to heal.” “Okay, Mama” My little girl she noticed what hurt, and she brought it to her mom. Here, the man sat, and Jesus came. Jesus spit, made mud, and covered the mans eyes. I’ve had to really think here. Of all the things, of all the tricks in his sack, Jesus uses spit? Mud? And He put it on the mans eyes. He brought attention took to his weakness, to his ailment and He did it PUBLICLY. It doesn’t say that the man was there waiting for Jesus or that He had even asked for His help. How long will Jesus wait on us to expose ourselves before He approaches us just the same way, putting on display every vulnerability and giving us a choice. As the man sat there with mud visible in cracks and crevices that left him limited, God said, “Go, Wash.” He said touch it, and what I think is even more important is this: He didn’t tell him what would happen if he did and he didn’t explain what would happen if he didn’t. “My daughter is watching me, that’s how important my decisions are” Have you read that quote too? Did it feel heavy to you also? What if we stopped “giving it time” and instead gave it effort? Maybe we would touch some of the things that hurt us instead of decorating them we wouldn’t be left faking. We could post that picture of our spouse and really mean we’re best friends or at the very least stop pretending it’s that way. We could quit googling scriptures and quotes, hoping that person will see it and instead start having difficult conversations that might produce something more than unsettled issues and unchecked feelings. If we started touching things maybe we could quit coping or covering and start healing. Those that knew the man before said it’s him, and others said no it can’t be, but he looks like him. The man said It’s me. Yes, I’m the one that But how can it be, how are you better? The man called Jesus, He told me to go wash, and I did. The name of this water was the pool of Siloam which means ‘sent’. You thought you had just made the biggest mistake of your life, but you were just being prepared. Our mistakes equip us, our send calls us, but only our obedience qualifies us. Re-reading the scripture in John chapter 9, it says he anointed his eyes with mud made from salvia. Anointed with mud, because God brings miracles out of messes should we choose to heal from our hurt and not hide from it. We cannot sit idly by listening to whispers being the victim one day and the victor the next. So what if they’re whispering. You don’t have to touch their insult to touch your trigger. Quit waiting on Jesus to pass by and offer you what He’s already died for. The enemy wants you idle, but Jesus wants you clean. Go wash. Go heal. And since God has given you all you need… Go be sent, #Mercychristfollowerofchristproblemschristianbloggerjesusheisgood #GodTruthTeachMeGuidemeHopeitrustinYou #ChristLightInthewordMadeNewTrustUnfailingLovegracemercyshame #HiswillbrokenpiecesGodreligiontruthMessandmercy #Messandmercy #MessandmercySalvationJesusSaves #messandmercythegreatiamgodis #GodTiredMercyAngerReligiousRevengeRest #religionreligiousGod #Messandmercymessandmercywordshehealsbrokenessbrokentrustfaith

The floor was cold and the walls were high, but at some point they had become transparent. I do not remember when I moved on from my identity as a happy high school cheerleader with all the friends and the confidence to talk to just anyone to who I found myself to be that night. At some point I traded the girl that had experienced a great deal of trauma, but had put a skirt on it to one that felt trapped by it all. That girl, she was wearing pajamas. For years I was able to stuff and pack and hide the things that happened in my home, but as more happened, more knew, and as more knew, there was more to pack. As wall builders we travel with a lot. First you pack survival things, protection things, and anything else you may need to not feel in the moment, but then as more people get involved, you start packing things like defense, offense, and any other things, be it anger, words, or other’s own trauma, that you may hold as ammunition prepared to weaponize it if you feel attacked. The sack gets heavy. The walls get high. Pretending it is not or they’re not, only leaves you brick and mortaring your own tower to topple. There comes a time, I believe, in everyones life where we have a revelation. Revelation is defined as a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially that is made known in a dramatic way, but it is derived from the latin word revelare and that means to lay bare. The floor was cold, the walls were high but they had become transparent. I had become uncomfortable in a new way instead of a traumatic one. This unveiling, for me, was the acknowledgement of my own wrong doing. I had spent all of those years hurting others to protect myself, and suddenly, quite suddenly if I’m being honest, I knew that some things were bigger than me and none of them were an excuse for reactive behavior, even if I recognized it as a trauma response. Trauma built my walls, but God set my boundaries. The two aren’t the same. Genesis 2 starting in verse 15- “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. and the lord God commanded the man saying, “You may surely eat of every tree and of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it, you shall surely die.” God gave man a place and a purpose, but he also gave him restrictions. God set boundaries. So many think that the church is a reformed way of disciplining people, but in a way that appears less rule-like than actual rules. God says the boundaries are for the prevention of death. Genesis chapter 3 is known as the fall. The serpent deceives Eve into questioning what God really said, what He really meant. Satan’s tactics haven’t changed. He doesn’t make us draw a line between right and wrong, but right and almost right. God said forgive, forgive them 70×7, but He had to mean only if they were sorry right? God said love Him with all of our hearts, souls, and minds, but surely He meant when we weren’t busy with our families or our careers? God said Jesus came to forgive our sins, so doesn’t that mean that even if we do it… we’re good? He tricked her and she ate; so do we. “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves lion clothes” ch.3 v7 What are boundaries? They’re protection. God set a boundary, but no that we may be deprived but protected. “and they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.” Isn’t it ironic the very thing God forbid them of, they hide in? Don’t we? Lies, sex, drugs, manipulation, idolatry, status. The floor was cold, the walls were high, but they had become transparent. “but the Lord called to the man and said to him where are you? and he said I heard the sound of you in the garden and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” God calls us, but we are not sure we want to answer until we do. God, I’m scared. I’ve done stuff; I’m hiding” “who told you you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to?” -God God wants us to acknowledge our nakedness, he wants us to see our sin, and He desires for us to confess it. He knew they’d taken of the fruit; He knows the things we’ve done too, but He will never stop asking us about it, not because He needs to know it, but because we do. Adam replied, “The woman whose YOU gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” “God this is your fault.” I’m naked, I’m ashamed. God, why didn’t you hear me; why didn’t you answer my prayer; God, how could you let this happen? God, why? “God asked the woman, “what is this that you have done?” The woman said, “the serpent deceived me, and I ate.” “God, it’s not my fault; God, I did but…; God they….” and then there were consequences. This scripture doesn’t tell us how Adam and Eve reacted here. I wonder if they respond sometimes how we do? It’s hard to imagine that if they did what God told them once, when He confronted them and gave them their punishment, they would say something like “oh okay cool.” God gave instruction, set a boundary, to protect us. They were naked before they ate, but they knew it after and they hid. I think we do too. When things aren’t what culture teaches us they should be… we hide it. We pretend that we have money that we don’t, that our marriage is good when it’s failing, that we’re not depressed but we are. We stuff, we build, and we’re the source of our own destruction, of our own undoing. “and the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them” When Adam and Even realized they were naked, they sewed fig leaves for themselves… so why then, did God clothe them? Weren’t they already covered? Because walls are not boundaries, and figs aren’t forever. You can build your walls. I built mine. Convince yourself that you can do it, you can fix it, you don’t need anyone else, or that no one else has to know… but while you can cover it up, you can’t fix it; just because you think you don’t need anyone, doesn’t mean you don’t, and while no one else may never know, you always will. Those things will be enough until they aren’t. The walls you think are saving you, are the very ones that will suffocate you because pretending things are pretty will never make them be pretty. But God made garments and clothed them. He made a way. He set boundaries, knowing they would cross them. He gave them an opportunity to confess, but they hid and them they blamed Him for it. He gave them consequences, but He also gave them grace. You want to learn how to set boundaries? First understand what they are. They are protection. It’s black or white. It’s either biblical or it’s not. God didn’t mince rules or standards. There aren’t what-if clauses or but-they-did-first excuses. Satan is a liar. You want to know if God really said it? Go read it for yourself. Separate how you feel from what you know is the truth, and don’t be enticed to make something it’s not. but when you do… and you will…. you don’t have to save yourself. The gospel started so early, in the very beginning God gave instruction and we birthed disobedience, He called and we hid, He gave opportunity and we gave excuses. Even still, He covered it. Then He gave garments, but now He’s given blood… just to know you. God, Thank you. Thank you for giving us boundaries, for what they mean God and what they are for. As we continue to discuss these in the weeks to come, I pray that you would be our compass, that you would show us in your word what it means to draw those lines, and how we can be confident in them. Father, thank you for making a way for us in our nakedness, in our sin God. I pray that would spend less time pretending and more time healing, less time hiding and more time being honest, and less time helping ourselves and more time knowing you. God thank you for consequences, thank you for grace, but mostly, God, thank you for you. Amen, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mess-mercy/id1463996194?i=1000509547760 #messandmercyministries #biblestudy #bible #messandmercy #boundaries #podcast #walls

What does the truth even mean? I just finished reading the book of 1st Samuel but since finishing, I keep circling back to one chapter, one concept. What’s the truth there? Which is it? It kind of reminds me of that old game you would play in grade school. Everyone sits in a circle, one person starts a sentence, whispers it to the next, and most times you get something entirely different than when it first started. Oxford Languages says the truth is that which is true in accordance with fact or reality. When I asked the kids what the truth was, they all had different answers too. “It means don’t lie” -Gracie (age 6) “It means if you tell the truth you won’t be in trouble.” -Griffin (age 5) “God.” -Haisten (age 7) I think the problem with the truth is… while most truths are absolutes, are facts, are, like the dictionary says, reality… we cannot find them because what we feel taints what we know. In first Samuel 10, we see this guy named Saul anointed as Israel’s first king, chosen by God Himself. Scripture tells us that he received a new heart, but as time went on, circumstances began to pick and pull at him and he begins to pack some bad habits. In Chapter 13, the king that God put on the throne, He also removed. Saul had made a sacrifice outside of God’s will and it cost him, though not immediately. The story rocks on, and since God has stripped Saul of the throne, we see in chapter 16 Saul’s successor, a man named David. David is anointed also, but Saul, still making irreverent choices, is still king. This sets the stage for the pieces of scripture that I’ve had to make myself contend with. If we were playing the grade school game, I’d start us off with this: David had just killed Goliath (1st Sam. 17) and he and Saul were coming home when some ladies showed up. “And the women sang to one another as they celebrated “Saul has struck down his thousands and David his ten thousands” And Saul was very angry , and this saying displeased him. He said they have ascribed to David ten thousands and to me they have ascribed thousands, what more can he have but the kingdom? And Saul eyes David from that day on” 1 Samuel 18: 7-9 ESV Strictly making assumptions, after we’ve added feelings, time, and the misinterpretation of a few whispers I’d bet the opposing stories would go something like this: Saul: “Look at this guy. I am king and he has come in and killed one guy and suddenly he is the hero. God told me I would not keep the throne. They are starting to praise him. He’s already won the people; my crown has to be next. Who does this guy think he is? I will not take my eyes off of him.” David: “I cannot believe that just happened. One day I’m watching sheep and the next I’ve killed a giant with a rock. I hope this helps my king. He seems unsettled. I hope he is not mad. He shouldn’t be; I was just trying to help. Here we’ve got a king turned villain, a hero turned hidden, and a couple of men on both sides to stir all of the sentiments, truth or otherwise. and how many different ways can we decorate stories from our own lives? They’ve always said there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. But what, just what is the truth here? As Saul’s anger grows, he begins to hunt David, and David? He runs. There comes a time where the two are on a mountain together, Saul in pursuit and David in hiding and Saul knows he is close and says this, “God has given him into my hand, for he has shut himself in by entering a town that has gates and bars” 1st Sam 23: 7 Coincidence has it, that while both David was hiding and Saul was pursuing, Saul stepped into the very cave where David was to tee-tee and David’s friends knew this was it. “He is the day of which the Lord said to you, “behold, I will give your enemy into you hand, and you shall do to him as it seems good to you.” David gets up and cuts a corner of Saul’s robe and afterwards scripture says “and David’s heart struck him because he had cut off a corner of Saul’s robe. He said to his men “The Lord forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the Lord’s anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the Lord’s anointed.” Who’s side was God on exactly? … and who’s side is He on now? Saul thought he had won, the friends thought he had lost, and David’s heart hurt. Didn’t Saul have God on his side if he was spared? and he was. Weren’t the friends right, that David had a chance? And what about David? having been anointed king by God Himself, didn’t that mean Saul would be overthrown? They all seem to have their own points; so did the kids, but I think the thing to consider here is obedience. Yes Saul thought God was on his side, but did Saul take a minute to consider whether or not he was on God’s? Because David responded to the Holy Spirit, because he was obedient, Saul was spared. But does that make sense? If God is a just God, why let Saul live? If David was to be king, why, God does the hardened heart get a pass, but the contritious one get conviction? If you’d ask me what I thought the truth was, I’d probably have told you it is objective facts, what’s real, but maybe the truth is closer to the third little piggies answer. It’s not my side or theirs, but a covenant that shares a mutual interest in them both. Considering Haisten’s answer my heart took me to 1st John 5. It says this: “We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him. We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one. And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding so that we may know him who is TRUE, and we are in him who is TRUE, In his son Jesus Christ, he is the true God and eternal life.” What we feel is not what we know, what we do is not who we are, and even in chaos, in adversity, in uncertainty, there is One that is absolute. and He wants to know you, to protect you, and to walk with you. I think the truth is that Saul wasn’t wrong, God sought his safety and David wasn’t wrong either. When given the option to openly pursue our adversaries, I think God always hopes we will heed the convictions of our hearts gifted to us by the dwelling of the Holy Spirit. and honestly, I think the biggest truth is that we should be thankful that they were both right. We always want answers for this world’s unevenness until it’s our own… and then we just want grace. God, Thank you for Your Word, for the truth it brings, and the example it sets. Thank you for a text that comes alive when we truly seek it with an open heart, for it’s guidance and also for it’s conviction. I’m so grateful that there is not condemnation for every false word, wrong assumption or selfish thought because truth is, we would all burn. Thank you for your patience- with us and with them- For a love that seeks to save us all, and not just the obedient ones. Help us to know what is worth pursing and what is not; help us to not be so small minded, help us see you, but God please forgive us when we don’t. God, thank you for the truth that you are our protector, our provider, and our eternity. Thank You, God, for You. Amen, #Messandmercymessandmercywordshehealsbrokenessbrokentrustfaith #TruthTeachMeGuidemeHopeitrustinYouagoodheartmessandmercymessandmercyblog

Sometimes, God will stir me in my sleep and I feel in my heart that He has a word, so I get up right then, not wanting to miss it. This morning I got out of bed; grabbed a sweatshirt and my house shoes; made my coffee; grabbed two Bibles and my Mac Book; put on my worship music; and sat down with a prepared heart- willing to stay here, to dig, and to share with all who’s hearts will listen. I turned to the last pages I remembered that brought me a real peace before my mom died. It hasn’t been the last time I’ve wept over my Bible, but the last time I felt in my heart that God was working out the things I have been tirelessly praying for. I’ve left them for you here… Sort of. This wasn’t it. The last chapter that held me with reassurance wasn’t this one, but the one after. You see in 1st King chapter 18 a huge display of God’s power against evil. It’s one that is undeniable. The night I read this chapter, I kept turning the pages because I remembered from past study which story came next, and it was the ‘next’ that my heart felt. After Elijah encountered God in arguably one of the greatest displays of God’s power in the Old Testament (chapter 18), one that was even undeniable to the enemy, only one chapter over, the very next page, we see Elijah cry out to God that he may die all because one person named Jezebel. “It is enough; now, O Lord take away my life.” Elijah lay down and slept under a broom tree, and an angel told him to arise and eat. Elijah ate and laid down again. An angel appeared a second time, touched him, and said, “arise and eat, for this journey is too great for you.” He arose, he ate, he drank, and he went in the strength of that food for 40 days and 40 nights to the mount of God. Yesterday I was at my moms looking through pictures. I found a letter she had written telling a piece of her story to really anyone that might listen. It was one of desperation. I handed in to my husband when we left and he agreed it was tough to read. I see myself sitting in some of the same situations she faced all those years before. As the tears fell, I asked Neal what I was supposed to do? How do I fix the things I want to be better? How do I change things for my own family so one day they do not sit in the very same places? I’ve asked the same questions over and over since the Lord changed my heart, but lately I’ve had new ones. “What am I even doing; Can my heart feel this way one day and testify for God the next; Is it fake?” I could tell that one bothered him when I asked, but he just answered my two questions for me matter of fact and we kept moving. “Yes, it’s real; you don’t fix anything.” Driving, I took those two answers and I let the tears fall. How helpless she must have felt. How incapable I feel, too. Nearly half an hour later, he looked at me again and said, “Katie, don’t ever say that, after all I’ve seen Him do in your life, heck all He’s done in my life. He saved our lives. He saved us. Of course it’s real.” “Yes, I know spiritual warfare is real,” I nodded in response. Then he said it again, “so quit, the answer is you do nothing. You don’t fix it.” I think what he meant to say though is this: “You go, but I’ll send the healing.” He tells me all of the time that my gifts are words and how I use them for this ministry, but his gift is me. At first it sounded silly, and I thought that was just another ‘not-so people-y’ person trying to get out of talking to people, but as time ticks on, he may be on to something. “After many days, the word of the Lord came to Elijah, in the third year, saying, “Go, show yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain upon the Earth.” !st King 18:1. Sometimes God wakes me up for pages and pages of things to sort and sift through and today He put my feet on the floor at three A.M. for one verse. We are the messengers, but God is the healer. As a nurse things hurt and I make them better; as an administrator of nurses, people call me and I give them the answers; as a mom, they cry and I hold them until they don’t anymore. I am a Type A person. I want the right answers, preferably aphlabetically and color coded appropriately so that the next time I need them, I can pull them quickly, under the rare instance that I’ve forgotten, that is, because type A people are memorizers also. I’m a do-er, a know’er, a performer, a cleaner upper. I’ve reached a place in my faith where I trust that God is good. I’ve seen God in the smallest of details. I’ve seen Him show up in thousands of verses of scripture and I’ve seen Him show up in one. I’ve had so many people ask me how I’m doing lately, and I tell them I’m okay. People don’t want to take that answer because I think “I’m okay” translates “I’m not sad” and it doesn’t. Of course I’m sad, but I’m okay. I believe that our dad died when we were so young because my mom needed more time as just our mom, and now that she is gone, too, it’s hard but I know that God is good- to me that only means had she lived, it could have been something worse. When I was told her air bags didn’t deploy, that didn’t change my grief; my heart knew that God had a plan for that too. I trust God is good, but I still want the healing I’ve been praying over… and now that she is gone and he is gone, and my grace is gone… I want it sooner not because no one else is left, but because time runs out. “You don’t do anything, Yes, this is real.” “You go, but I’ll send the healing.” I think sometimes we get ahead of ourselves. Yes, time is short. No, we don’t know how much time we have… but God is infinite… and He does… and He’s good. That letter read so desperate because it was, and gosh, I feel so incapable because I am. God needs willing hearts, not ones full of their own answers. He needs hearts ready to surrender all of their plans, their ways, and their petitions… their ‘but Gods’ and their timelines… and just go. Go to the Word; Go in prayer; Go to the alter; Go back to the word again; go down into your heart and keep culling away; go in prayer; go running back when you fall away; back to the word, back to the alter, back to prayer. When I first felt called to ministry, God told me He was going to do big things, that I would speak to large groups of women. At first, I assumed that I was crazy, but when it still felt real I assumed it was true… and some of it has been, and maybe He’s not done, who knows, but what time with God has taught me most is that the only thing I can truly, truly change is myself. I have the ability to hang scripture all throughout my house, but if I don’t use kind words and calm voices, to my kids, they are just pictures. I can type the prettiest words, but if I don’t live them they are just decorations for an otherwise just expensive webpage. You can even read them, make comments like ‘this touched me’ or ‘needed this’ and they help encourage my heart to keep going, to keep writing, but they do nothing for yours if you don’t apply them and I can’t make you… but I have the ability to make me…go in the presence of the Lord, to sit here and to wait… on God’s timing, on His plan, on Him to send rain. He will provided sustenance when we need it because the journey is too much for just us. “In many days the word came…” “in the third year saying.” It’s all measured. He’s already made a plan. We fix us, God fixes everything else. Isn’t that such a hard concept? He has a healing for you, too. Whatever you’re hoping for, the thing you’re needing… God is only good. It doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen, that you won’t experience loss, or that following God won’t hurt sometimes because they will, you will, and it does, but it does mean He is a healer. Many died in the flood while Noah’s family was spared because of Noah’s faithfulness. Egypt was swept away in the waters of the Red Sea while God made a way for Israel through Moses’s obedience. Jesus, without sin, died a shameful death outside of the presence of His Father as a sacrifice for sin just for you, just for me, just so we could know and fellowship with God… and that one, it was just because He is good, faithful, not because we did anything. God will go that far to keep His promises to His people. He is all powerful, all knowing, and fully capable. “Yes, it is real.” “You don’t do anything.” Father, I’m sorry I’ve asked for answers. I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t want the ones you’ve given, or that I wanted them differently or sometimes I’ve not wanted them at all. I see you in the big things and in the ones not big, Lord; I trust you in both. I pray for a stillness God. Lord, in places where we are incapable Lord, I pray we are dependent, and in the places that we’re able, I pray we surrender those too; that we would let you have all the pieces, Lord, and not just the ones that are heavy. Thank you, God, for knowing the need, for knowing the details, and just for knowing me. Thank you for your promises, Lord, Thank you for you. Amen, #Messandmercymessandmercywordshehealsbrokenessbrokentrustfaith

“Is there any scripture you would like preached? Anything you can think of that maybe your dad would have wanted?” “Ecclesiastes 3,” I replied confidently. “It’s my favorite.” I lied, but when my dad died, this chapter was preached at his funeral. I remember the question so well because it was one I didn’t have the answer for. Even as a little girl, I felt like I had all of those, so I lied. I said Ecclesiastes 3. The truth is, I didn’t know any scriptures and I didn’t think my dad did either, but I remembered a friend at school saying she liked that scripture because it talked about dancing. I loved to dance, and this kid, she knew some scriptures and so did her parents so that must have been a good one. It had to be better than John 3:16. That one was the only one I knew and it certainly didn’t fit the occasion. Ecclesiastes 3: A Time for Everything 3 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Time. As I sit here this morning starring at those four bony letters, my heart races. The time right now is 3 A.M. The floors are cold, the house is still, and it’s air is heavy. Nearly 14 years later, with only a month in time separating the two tragedies, I sit here thinking about Mom’s funeral too, only this time I know the Bible. I know that Genesis holds the beginning and revelation the end. I know the four gospels, but that John is my favorite because it’s account of Jesus is more intimate. I know that 1st and 2nd Samuel tell the story of David. I know that Hebrews 11 is the faith Hall of fame and that Hebrews 12 is about discipline, that Romans paves the path to salvation, that James was written to the believer and gives some instructions for life. I know that the Peters do too. I know that 1st and 2nd kings are historical and tell big stories of loss and victory, that Joshua is a book of promise and Isaiah one of prophecy, that Esther is a book of a girl and her calling that God was never even mentioned in, but was making a way to preserve the Jews and thus protect the lineage of what would be Christ. I know stuff now, even some theology, yet these few days proceeding my mom’s death I’ve just thumbed through pages, and while touching it’s pages has brought me comfort, my Bible hasn’t brought me any insight outside of what I know in my heart to be true. God is only good. 9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. 15 Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account. “I don’t even know what to read; I don’t even know what to pray,” I told my husband last night. I guess there is a time to know what to do, and a time not to. Yesterday the time to be at the funeral home was 10. I tried to text my sister to check on her, to tell her I was fine this morning, and I’d be on my way soon. As the tears fell from my cheeks as I typed, though, they were warm, and my phone’s letters couldn’t differentiate which warm belonged to my fingers and which didn’t. It spelled things wrong. I think grief, if it were drawn out, would look a lot like that, trying to separate in it’s heart what it feels from what it knows- to pick through all of the things that should stick around in there and the things it has to release… but I bet in time we will know. That’s what people say.. “time heals all wounds.” Time heals. Gosh, how much time? I guess if we knew from beginning to end the amount of time we had in the middle, maybe we could make something out of it? If my life were a book, this is the part where I’d let my fingers rhythm the rapid rate of my heart right now and lead me to the story’s end to teach myself all of the things that would make this middle worth it. Middle… I wonder if my mom felt that way too? She was 50, that’s half way, you know.. on the hill but not over it. I bet she thought often about her sobriety, about the places it would take her after the two finally met one another in full and they could help more people. I bet as she rocked my babies she saw all of the chances she would get back as a parent. For all the years of their lives I’ve watched her take each cackling baby laugh, every single hug captive, carrying her a step closer to her healing. Her’s was a story I never thought to get ahead on because I was sure of how it would end: much older, wiser, restored. The advantage a book has over a life is it’s weight. For every page I turn in a book, I can estimate how many more I have left to sift through, but with every day of life, every hour of air holds but one guarantee- for the believer it’s that God has a plan but for the unbeliever.. it’s that there isn’t one. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 I was wrong. There is no more appropriate place to remind a people of life’s ultimate purpose than another life’s end. Not believes and has it together, not believes and understands, not believes but needs some time… but who so ever, anyone- everyone, that believes shall be saved. My dad died in his 30s, my mom at 50. U.S. life expectancy for the year of 2019 is 78.87 years. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything, but it does not say there’s a time to wait. Time. It’s something we’re all so sure we have more of. I’ll fold the clothes later. Call me later. Remind me later to tell you. Talk to you later… See you later. See you later. I wish I had said that or an I love you the last time I said anything to my mom, but my last message just said ‘okay’ instead because it was a text message and not a goodbye. Sure, I’ll see her later, and maybe you will too, but what matters is that we see her now. “Now that all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of mankind. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing whether it is good or evil.” Ecclesiastes 12: 13-14 The book of Ecclesiastes is one you cannot interpret correctly without also reading it’s final verse. No matter what the mysteries and apparent contradictions of life are, we must work towards the single purpose of knowing Him. “Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house. Do not say to me I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done. I passed by the vineyard of a man lacking sense and behold it was covered with thorns, the ground was overgrown with briers, and I saw it and considered it. I applied my heart to what I observed and I learned a lesson for what I saw. A little sleep, A little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come like a thief in the night and without like an armed man” Proverbs 24: 27-34 This is the first scripture I’d read after her death. I think it’s message is a mouthful. Do it it right and in order. Get to the cross and give your heart, and when that’s done you go to building, build your home and then the church. It doesn’t matter who says what, you be good because the bad grows easier than the good and a little rest from tilling could mean overtaken. The average daily death rate is 7,708 people per day. Every day we waste harboring the bad things, consumes the souls God purposed for good. We can’t make the difference in 7,000 lives in one day, but if one more person could be saved every day one less perishes forever. We have time until we don’t. Make plans, but don’t let them hold you back. Healing doesn’t always look the way we prayed for, but on the days we can’t be sure of time, we can be sure of Christ. God, I pray that you just help me pray. That living without parents will make Kristen and I better ones. That our hugs will be longer, our actions more intentional, and our wills your will, God. I pray that healing only started with Mama’s death, that it would bring healing in our own lives, in our own relationships, and our own families. God that we would know that generational curses are real and that it’s up to us to stop it here so that our kids and their kids and theirs have full hearts in unbroken homes in places that dishes are for eating and not for throwing. That words like addiction, divorce, and division are things we protect against and not things we pray through, God. We need her death to mean more than just another loss in a long list of losses for us, that people would be saved by her testimony, that because of our testimonies God we can be more for you, that you will use us to our full on the days we feel like it and the days we don’t Lord. Father, so much is dead now, I beg you God that our faith not be. God we believe, help our unbelief. God we thank you for sustenance, we thank you for provision, we thank you, God, for you. Amen, #ChristLightInthewordMadeNewTrustUnfailingLovegracemercyshame #Messandmercymessandmercywordshehealsbrokenessbrokentrustfaith #TruthTeachMeGuidemeHopeitrustinYouagoodheartmessandmercymessandmercyblog

Devastation brings gifts. I came home last night (this morning) to find my dog had torn my most recent Bible to pieces in my bedroom. I fell to my knees and cried as my hands sifted through all of the parcels of paper covered in prayers, pain, and promises- so shredded, the words, their purposes, were unrecognizable. My stomach turned. When my husband and I married, his oldest was 7. Naturally, I wanted a relationship with her. I bought us journal bibles; we colored scripture together in these bibles before bed. She’s 11 now, and she doesn’t know this was my first real exposure to studying scripture. Months later, newly married, I would work 12-16 hour shifts and come home and study scripture. My husband, just wanting to spend time with his new wife, began to study with me. One day I will be able to share with her the time we spent coloring in those bibles at night was what ultimately saved her Daddy and I both. I decided after I quit coloring, and started studying, one day, I’d give Paytan the first Bible I ever read cover to cover and I’d tell her the impact she’s had on my life, on my eternity. I’ve put it up for her, and I started a new one. That Bible was about salvation; this one… it was about healing. It would be Gracies. My testimony isn’t a short one, and grief is complicated. If you’ve followed for any amount of time, you’d know that it was through my divorce, it’s aftermath, that I found salvation. What you may not know, is it almost took my life; had I not been submerged in scripture, trying to make sense of my life and a God that people believed was only good, it probably would have. Up until now, I’ve shared that piece of my testimony only one-on-one and when I felt it’s weight was necessary to show God’s grace. You see, for the longest, life taught me I had to take care of myself, build walls, protect myself, look out for myself. I would thrash violently for control because so much of my life had lacked so much of it. I chose divorce because I didn’t want my kids to grow up in a home full of loud voices and broken dishes. Trying to protect them, I caused them pain. I still do. Divorce is sort of like a death that never quits dying. It’s rhythm doesn’t really change, but it’s face does. It’s cyclic, just a reoccurring heart ache. Sometimes it’s just long day that ends in an empty home, and others it’s a good one that ends with tears due to a missed chance to be the tooth fairy… maybe its the memories you grieve that you didn’t even know you missed until four days later when you see that snaggled smile light up to greet you with a hug. I gave my life to God, and I had to make a choice. Salvation is easy; it’s the surrender that is so difficult. I tried. I’m trying. This Bible… it was Gracie’s because it would reveal all of the things that I hope time will tell also. Mama really, really tried. I wanted her to see how I sought God, how He spoke to me directly and intentionally on the days I needed her at home, but only had Him instead. I wanted her to know He is with her too, and how good He is, even when it doesn’t feel that way- to run to His word and to trust Him anyway, just as I have learned to touching those very same pages. I wanted her to grow up watching me study that bible so that her fingers may turn pages with ease that it’s taken me a life time to turn, and just how faithful He is when we do. I wanted the margins littered with scribbled dates and tear-stained ink to tell my story of sanctification- how God grew me in ways one of my checklists never could and that bad things, and even bad people all play a part in God’s carefully orchestrated plan. There was so much I wanted to share with her. As I kneeled there sifting through mixed pieces of my brokenness, my pain, and all their progress God spoke. He said, “Katie, make the sacrifice.” God began preparing a word. I wish I could explain how He speaks to me. When He has something He expects me to give away, I’m very unsettled, my fingers anticipate His guidance, and my heart seeks His truth. Today, the message is one of forgiveness and of healing. God told me once, “I don’t care, be me.” I know that doesn’t sound like the King James Version, but the verbiage doesn’t always have to be pretty to be purposeful. I wanted God to know things didn’t feel fair, they still don’t, and He wanted me to know those feelings didn’t matter but my purpose did. I tried to walk in it. There have been times where I’ve tried to remain humbled, to try to do the ‘next right thing’ but the truth is, there are times I resent the responsibility, and sometimes… I am proud that I did it anyway. This makes me no better. Yes, my dog ate two years worth of memories, but he also ate just as much evidence. It was a record of my wrong and theirs, of my prayers and my petitions; insinuations of disagreements and prayers for reconciliation. Piles of my grief from missed Christmases or hurt feelings, records of God’s instruction and my ‘buts’. It was a Bible of healing. “Leave your gift there in front of the Alter. First go and be reconciled to them; then come up and offer your gift.” Matthew 5: 24 Leave your gift. Make it right, THEN come and offer, make the sacrifice. To give spiritual witness, you must be spiritually woke. Choose a well-positioned heart over a well-executed performance. What you will not give up, God will take away. Do I think God made my puppy eat my Bible? of course not. Do I believe that He used it? Yes. God’s intentionality and His forgiveness are so real, they’re complex. God is either doing it, or He is allowing it to happen. As simple as that sounds, it can feel disorienting. Y’all our God- He is a God so big, so calculated, that He assigned the wind, the air, it’s weight. He is on purpose, almighty, the One and only sovereign Lord and He’s come to save us all, you and them. them and me. He’s for us all, patient with us all, wanting none to perish that we all may come to receive both repentance and everlasting life. I remember realizing what I felt the day that I realized God wasn’t just on my side, but everyone’s. James says there is no favoritism, no partiality. How? How God could you possibly be for me and also for those that hurt me? How could He be both for the person in the pew and in the prison? How can He love both the committed and the counterfeit? God, how?! Tetelestai- it is finished; paid in full Everything I have ever gotten wrong is paid for. Everything ever done to me? Paid for. Forgiveness is finished. It is also the expectation. The night I was sitting on the white marble of my bathroom floor fully ready and willing to execute my plan, God did not say “Katie, be better, I’ll forgive you.” He said “Katie, this isn’t over, I’m going to use you. I’ve paid for it.” Months later He didn’t ask “Katie, are you okay now? Can I forgive them.” He said it is finished. There were so many things I wanted to give to my baby girl in that Bible- so much assurance, so much peace, a sense of protection and a story of provision, but instead I’ve sacked up the remnant, what I had left because that is real. I’ll teach her that sometimes she will make decisions and they will not be the ones that the Lord would have chosen, but that He will use them. I’ll show her how possible it is to be both hurt and humble… and that you can mean it. She will know that forgiveness available and so it Grace. She will see all parcels and pieces of a bigger story and she will see that healing is messy, and that while being stoic may be brave it is not always Holy. Maybe you are in a place like I once was, completely lost and sure life isn’t worth living, maybe you’re building your walls right now because you haven’t made it to the chapter in your story when God tears into your man made protection; maybe you’re in the ‘why, God place’ or the ‘how God position’ or, just maybe, maybe you’re the person I was when I went to bed last night. You are the girl trying her very best to do the next right thing, that’s trying to let the Lord lead, to answer His call, and do His will that had allowed forgiveness but not forgotten it. No matter the place, and regardless of your position, please know God has a place for you, a purpose for you. You are precious in His sight, and He will not stop, never stop pursuing you as a child of His. He’s calling you with open, ready and willing arms. Accept the gift, make the sacrifice. Sacrifice: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy. There are thousands of adjectives that may describe the position of your feelings right now, the hurt, the loss, and the grief, but all of them are worth laying down at the feet of our God so that you and I together may become more effective witnesses and that we may both grow the kingdom and save eternities.. In His name,

Sex. My husband and I heard the word on a young leader’s podcast this morning and he was unapologetic for it. He said all he knew about sex was you better not do it before you’re married. My husband said, “You know, that’s the truth though. Growing up in church, I thought if I messed up one time it was over.” I need to know, church, which is it? I’ve seen it both ways, and we’ve got to have the conversation. Do you want us honest or dressed up? Is the church for healing or the healed? Should we be comfortable or confessing? We preach the right things in the wrong context. God forgives us. Be good. We’ve created a standard, y’all. Jude 1:4 says, “For certain individuals whose condemnation was written about long ago have SECRETLY slipped in among you. They are ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our ONLY sovereign Lord. There are people among us that have come in with us (Christians) that are unrecognized for what they are; LOST…. and these people, these intruders, are using God’s grace as a ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ card. God forgives us… and He does, gosh, He does. He is so good and so sovereign and so, so forgiving BUT IT’S NO EXCUSE. “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin, how can we live in it any longer?” Romans 6: 1-2 Be transformed, church. Does that mean be good? Because we teach that. We teach that church is for unified marriages, dresses, and sobriety…. that it is for the honest tither and the unwrinkled shirt. Be good. No cuss words, no drugs, no lies, and no past. No divorces, no abortions, no alcohol, and no teen pregnancy. No mistakes equals no grace. I’ve been in churches that allow t-shirts and those that prefer business casual, in churches that sing from hymns and others from guitars, in churches that have Sunday night services and those that don’t…. and no matter the setting, no matter the worship, no matter the service size… there’s one commonality. The church is for sinners, run by sinners, and that’s its biggest problem. We sin, we point, and we judge. The church is founding on healing, yet we’ve somehow created a prerequisite to be welcomed to have a seat. what about the interracial relationships? about the mother that is pregnant with no husband? about the adulterer? about the one caught up in embezzlement or the latest school scandal? Where can they sit? God forgives, but do we? Which is it church? Honest or dressed up? Do we hand out pass after pass, living however we want to for the people that we accept, only to condemn the ones we don’t? We can’t teach God is forgiveness, but not offer a seat at his table to those who need it. and if you have a seat at the table, you have to know you didn’t earn it but you must honor it. God did not send his son so you could live a life of sin. It’s not a free pass, it’s just a pass. You were bought at the price of blood. Innocent, perfect, Holy blood. It was not free. We can’t preach a church founded on forgiveness and also practice a church of judgement. Satan has secretly slipped in, having already been condemned, on this Earth he still holds a seat among us, assuring us it’s okay to be this way. With no authority, he tells us we can do that thing because God is a good God. He urges us to participate in church activities without adopting a church heart. He says a busy church is a successful one, and one without wrinkles is the one that has it together… but if we don’t come to church for healing, why do we go? Don’t you see? Which is church? It hurts, because it’s true. God is begging us to return, to refocus, to recommit. We’ve got to talk about the hard things to become humble people. If it’s not convicting, it’s comfortable. Be mindful if you resent the Truth, you’re not of it. “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” Ephesians 4:25 “These are the things that you shall do: speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgements that are true and make for peace” Zechariah 8:16 “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ASHAMED, rightly handling the Word of TRUTH” 2 Timothy 2:15 “God is spirit, and those who worship Him MUST worship in spirit and truth” John 4:24 “Sanctify them in the truth; your word is TRUTH” John 17:17 “Have I become your enemy by telling you the truth?” Galations 4:16 “Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in DEED and TRUTH” 1 John 3:18 “If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth” 1st John 1:6 “A TRUTHFUL witness SAVES lives, but the one who breathes out lies is deceitful” Proverbs 14:25 “A false balance is an abomination to the Lord” Proverbs 11:1 “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness suppress the truth.” Romans 1:18 “Do not add to His words, lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar” Proverbs 30:6 “For we are not not, like so many, peddlers of God’s word, but as men of SINCERITY, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak IN CHRIST” 2 Corinthians 2:17 We can continue to choose people and comfortability, or we can start choosing Christ and the great commission. Only one will help save souls… and only one will save yours. In Spirit and in TRUTH, #ChristLightInthewordMadeNewTrustUnfailingLovegracemercyshame #GodTruthTeachMeGuidemeHopeitrustinYou #Mercychristfollowerofchristproblemschristianbloggerjesusheisgood #religionreligiousGod

Memories. I remember being afraid to open some of those notifications. I’m a runner… well… I was. For a long time, I think I thought a new town meant a new name. What I know now, though, is a new town may have been a new opportunity, but it was still the same me. There was a time when every old memory would usually reveal an old self-  the ‘who-I-was-then’ self. The ‘yeah, her dad died’ self The ‘she doesn’t have any supervision anymore’ self The ‘out of control teenager’ self I bounced from home to home, but with each new experience I carried one name over and over- ‘the no one is going to hurt me, I’ll take care of my self’ self. and I failed me over and over. That changed with Christ. I don’t carry shame for the mistakes that I made or the dark places I’ve been. Those things are encouragement for those that need to know God is still in the business of healing. God can’t change your past, but He can redeem it. It’s my testimony; I’ll show you. Now my old problems are a new platform for God’s glory, but those old scriptures like that one above; it’s an ever present reminder. I see scripture pop up in old memories and my stomach literally turns. I’m nauseous? Over scripture? Yes, yes I am. I know Hebrews 11 now, the faith hall of fame. I also know Hebrews 12, discipline from God, and I also know God. I don’t know what happened on that particular day 8 years ago, but I can assume that I goggled ‘scriptures about trial’ and cherry picked the one that best fit the occasion and posted it. I probably prayed over it and probably got mad when my prayer wasn’t answered the way I thought it should be, but here’s the thing I desperately need you to see… Something happened that day and I acknowledged the need for scripture but failed to acknowledge the need for God. I barely missed it. Church, Sunday school, devotionals, serving meals for church showers… holding hands with my ex-husband in bed at night as we prayed together. I barely missed it. I truly, truly thought I had it figured out and as close as I was to God, I honestly couldn’t have been further away from the real thing. You want to know how God caught me? it wasn’t because I was looking for Him. I was in a new marriage, desperate to have a real family after having already failed one union… and I bought a Bible, actually I bought three. One for me, one for my step daughter, and one for her mom. I wanted to bond with my step daughter and I guess I thought Jesus would be a good way to do it. We all could. She could journal with me, she could journal with her mom, we’d all be happy, happy. Because life works that way in tragedy? I was looking out for me. God, make my step-daughter love me. God, let her mom not hate me. Me, Me, Me. Little did I know that Bible I bought for us to color in is the one that saved both my life and my soul. The night God swooped in I had that Bible in one hand and a well contemplated suicide plan in the other. It was both the most desperate and most fulfilling day of my life that almost ended but instead had just begun. “Katie, your life isn’t over; Katie, I am going to use all of this. Katie, this is all going to be okay.” Words can’t describe, tears cannot paint, the way that felt in my heart. My only reply was “okay.” That’s it. Okay. God offered me a gift and I accepted it. I knew God was good; I knew my step daughter needed to know God; but how HOW did I not know that I didn’t know Him for myself? Because I thought I had until I knew I didn’t. I was so close. I done all of the checklist right. I had barely missed it. and what if I really had? What if I’d spent all of those days in church, in devotionals, in prayer for me to come to the throne of judgement and God say, “wait? and who are you?” If you are googling your scriptures and only running to them on the days that bad things happen.. please know you are missing it too. God is more than the answer to that prayer on that bad day. He is Lord. We have the hardest time living for Him, because we can’t seem to stop living for ourselves. That bible verse 8 years ago wasn’t for God or His glory. I’m positive it was for me and mine. Somebody, somewhere knew what that status was about. That was me saying to them, “Look at me, faithful even after what you did. Faithful no matter what. Trusting God no matter what. Take that.” “I can see it now- at the final judgement thousands strutting up to me and saying, ‘Master, we preached the message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.’ and do you know what I am going to say? ‘You missed the boat All you did was use me to make yourselves important’ You don’t impress me one bit. You’re out of here.” Matthew 7: 22-23 the msg version Are you sure? Are you sure that you know God, not things about God? Are you sure that you trust Him, all of Him; the things that feel good and the things that don’t? Are you sure you follow Him and His plan for your life, or do you try to tuck and squish Him into the things you want? Are you sure? It’s too easy to dress it up- too, too easy, so easy. You can know scripture and not know God. You can do church, and not be the church. You can be moral and not be saved. I pray that I pray that I pray that if you aren’t sure, you will seek. Genuinely, genuinely seek. Knowledge of scripture can be faked, but salvation cannot. Search your heart; God is not interested in your social media. praying, #Mercychristfollowerofchristproblemschristianbloggerjesusheisgood #religionreligiousGod #salvationsavedsocialmediasaved

When I said out loud “what a week” and it’s only Tuesday, I had to sink down in my little rolly wheel chair. but it has been.. I’ve gone from really happy to really mad and then back to really humble, mostly humble.. and maybe you know what it is like to have that kind of mental/physical exhaustion… the kind that feels like you’re running all day but kind of at a standstill pace or worse, even backwards. I see you, because I am you. I want to meet you here to tell you: Breathe, It’s okay. It’s still yours. Saturday was when the events of the last couple of weeks came to the reckoning of what I had already prepared for but was somehow just as surprised at when it showed up and for the first time I left a place of spiritual comfort and allowed my self to feel upset… angry if we’re being honest (and I hope we are cause…) I didn’t want to read my Bible, probably because I assumed that I knew what God would have to say about the feelings I had and I wanted to avoid those (honesty) but instead of scolding me, He reminded me of His promise. I want to remind you, too. “I know your works. Behold I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut. I know that you have but little power, and yet you have kept my word, and have not denied my name. Behold I will make those of the synagogue of satan who say that they are jews and are not, I will make them come and bow down before your feet and they will learn that I have loved you. because you have kept my word about patient endurance, I will keep you from the hour of trial that is coming on the whole world, to try those who dwell on the earth. I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have so that no one may seize your crown.” Revelations 3:8-12 Just in case that needs a translation: I see that you have been faithful to me. No one can take away what I have for you. I know you are tired, but you’ve honored me as Lord. I will handle those other guys, that other stuff; They will know I love you because you have endured. I will keep you from the hurt than will come to those that don’t honor me, and hold on tight. I promise I am coming soon, do not give away what is yours. now… a dear friend put me onto the trail of revelations on 12/30/19 after she felt God laid it on her heart to share a scripture that in her words “seemed random” but she was obedient anyway…. and I knew on that day, I would study that book of the Bible next but God had known for eternity how that schedule would unfold. He whispered in her ear on that day knowing how many days it would take me to get from that text to that Saturday where He would reveal that promise right on time. AINT GOD COOL, amen? and if you can believe in that, believe this too… nothing can take your promise, but it is up to you to not let it take your joy. We are offered abundant joy despite circumstances in Christ if you should so choose. girls, it’s yours. Who care who got what when how?! Your promise is still yours. I know you’re tired, you’ve worked hard, you’re prayed out, and you can’t bear what’s next. God sees you. You are going to see Jesus people get Jesus things… you are also going to see not-so-Jesus- people get things you associate with Jesus. Jesus does not measure success like you do. More money does not equal Jesus, success does not equal Jesus, good luck? not Jesus. Jesus looks like a whore at the well, running to tell of a water that not only cleanses but never leaves you thirsty again. Jesus looks like the only one qualified to throw a stone, but didn’t. Jesus is the cruxification, the most historical picture of unfairness, that is also historically and eternally the Greatest Gift to you and to me. Things aren’t always what they seem, and if we’re attentive to the Lord and His Word, that is so clearly in black and white laid out for us, we would know that not only is what God has for us ours, we could also learn so so much from the path to the promise. Satan wants you to feel those things in the moment because he knows that right then it is difficult for us to reach out and tangibly wrap our fingers around our faith that says this is good, God is good. Don’t react before you can respond. Quit forgetting that faith is belief in what you cannot see. you cannot see where God is moving. you cannot see what God is doing. You cannot see how this can possibly good… but don’t forget you’re not supposed to. It wouldn’t be faith if you could. The promises are yours; so is the Joy. keep them both. God gives it freely, so if you don’t have it, it is because you gave it away. “I have set before you a door that no one can shut” no one but yourself. God, Circumstances are tricky. They make us impulsive, but only because we let them. Joy is You, Father. I am sorry we have given it so many other names like money, success, or popularity. God, Help us recognize Satan not only for who he is but what he does. He steals; he is a thief, but God, he is also a loser because You, Lord, have won the fight, the war is over and all of his antics were conquered at the cross. God, thank you for the ultimate and unfair sacrifice of your son on our behalf; on my behalf God. Let us not give him more than he has already lost. Thank you, God, for keeping my promises mine, when I deserve them and when I don’t. Thank you, God, for you. amen, #ChristLightInthewordMadeNewTrustUnfailingLovegracemercyshame #Mercychristfollowerofchristproblemschristianbloggerjesusheisgood

2019. I’ve seen a lot of posts from all of you, few say you rocked 2019- let’s do it again. They’ve said 2019 was a year of growth or of pain. It was the year that put you on your knees or a year that taught you something. A year of mistakes, or of regret.. maybe even a year of all the above. Today is a new day, the start of a new year, of a new journey in the same old life, but a new era, a new decade. With those things comes new opportunity. Wash, rinse, repeat. You recognize the phrase, but these are instructions for shampoo, not for life. All of last year I allowed myself to become trapped in this cycle: “God this hurts, God I trust you but I do not understand, God I Praise you anyway, *Eats snack* –> feels better, plays with kids, gets on scale. Repeat.” I’ve given this year twenty pounds and an immeasurable amount of tears, started over every Monday and on Tuesday found myself in the pantry. Too busy to show up for you, too down to show up for myself, and so I would pray, God would heal, and I would do it all over again. Obviously, my problems are much greater than this simple analogy, but we all have something. Honestly, I wish the only problem I had was numbers on a scale, but that is just what I used to cover up what really hurts. Those extra pounds were the bandaid problem to my problem-problems… and I don’t know what yours are, but I do know where they start. “A man came to Jesus and asked, “Teacher what good thing must I do to have eternal life? Jesus answered, “why do you ask me about what is good? only God is good. But if you want to have eternal life, obey the law’s commands. Then the man asked which ones? Jesus answered, You must not murder anyone, you must not commit adultery, you must not steal, you must not tell lies about others, you must respect your father and your mother, and love you neighbor the same as your self. The young man said I have obeyed all these commands. What else do I need? Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect then go and sell all that you own. Give the money to the poor and you will have riches in heaven. Then come and follow me. But when the young man heard Jesus tell him to give away his money, he was sad. He didn’t want to do this, because he was very rich. So he left.” Matthew 9: 16-22 you see, our problems are hard but the answer is simple. You can follow all the rules, and be sad when you break them, but God never expected you to make it perfectly and smoothly. “only God is good.” He didn’t say get it all right, but He did say give it all away. Outside of money, what have you held on to that you know you need to let go of? I know what mine is. It’s a pain and hurt so deep I’ve never experienced it before. I hold on to it, but respond by all of the rules. I try to do the right things, respond the right ways, tell the truth and seek it, but my hand is still closed around the pain that feels so wrong. I feel like I deserve to hold on to it because I’m standing on the right side of it. but I don’t. I apologize to God for the feelings I have, He heals them, and I pick it up again- like an old friend that I haven’t seen in years, we pick up right where we left off. “He didn’t want to do this, so he left.” and this is where my problems meet yours. We leave. God calls us to let go of things we were never meant to control, to lay down the things that feel big because they are big, to trust him when we can’t see Him… and that’s hard. In a world where we have nearly everything at our fingertips, we are so used to instant gratification. Like we expect God to be some sort of magic genie, prayer, prayer, poof. done. Some of you are praying right now, trusting to the lord that 2020 is going to be your year. A different year, one full of blessings and fulfillment, and I’m so happy for you. I am standing beside you cheering you on. Good for you! but in that same breath I want to remind you of the difference in hope and trust. Hoping is wanting something to happen or to be the case while trusting is being okay and content even if it don’t because God is good at being God. Gosh, isn’t it hard? Desperately wanting and needing God to intervene in that place that you have been relentlessly calling Him to and Him saying actually trust Me, it’s better for you this way? Jeremiah 32: 40 says I will make a covenant with them that will last forever, a covenant to stick with them no matter what, and work for their good.” the message version; “I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, I will inspire them to fear me so that they will never turn away” NIV; “I will make an everlasting covenant with them I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me.” NLT All of these version different versions say the same thing in different ways just like God is whispering to you and I the same song just using different hurts and different seasons. I love you, child. I promise I am with you forever. I promise that I will only do GOOD for you, what’s best for you, so trust me, worship me, and never stray from me. You see God promises to never leave us, He promises that He knows best… but He doesn’t promise that we will stay. He cannot make us, He can’t make us sure that sometimes we don’t think we know better than He does. That is why we have to choose for ourselves to enter into this covenant with Christ, to choose for ourselves to let Him be Lord over our lives. To choose him as our Savior and not just our spare tire when our plans fall through and we need extra help. In christ we have all of the power of Christ, but without Him… away from Him.. we just have ourselves. Stack those odds against a big and nasty world and they aren’t in your favor. Wash, rinse, repeat. Stop it. Stop apologizing for the same thing, being rescued from it, and then running back to it and TRUST God. Our problems may not be the same but the answers to our problems are and it’s Christ. He is Almighty, All Powerful, All knowing, and girl, if you choose, He is all YOURS, and mine, and hers.. and that is just amazing. I am so sorry if 2019 hurt you, was full of loss, or pain, or brought you to your knees, but 2020. God told the Samaritan woman in John 4 that a time was coming, in fact the time was now that we could worship the one true God in spirit and in truth, that He could offer a drink of water for which we will NEVER thirst again. Quit waiting on all of the Mondays, the New Years, or even the new decade and start now. His mercies are new every morning. Start again every day trusting the Lord as the covenant keeping way maker that only has good things for you. because He is. He will. and He won’t stop. God, We know that we are human and completely incapable of following all the rules to perfection, we know that thanks to Your ultimate sacrifice, we’re not required to. We also know that even though our sin does not count, God, that does not mean it does not matter. What we do matters, because Lord, You matter. Help us to choose you God, and when we don’t, help us to be sad, but also to stay. God, cover us in Your love that is so Great, so Mighty, that we will not leave because You, Lord, are the only One that Goes before us, that knows all sides of the story, the pieces we see and the ones we never make contact with. Give us hope, God, that this year is it, but father more than that, give us a trust that knows even if it isn’t, that it is coming. God, thank you so much for the opportunity to enter into an everlasting covenant of safety and protection. Thank you, God, for you. Amen,

Fake it ’til we make it. It’s a phrase we say like it’s cute; I am going to pretend to be until I am. What’s sad, though, is we are the reason we feel like we can’t be ourselves. My husband and I were pulling in for sushi the Monday after I returned home from a Christian retreat called Emmaus when I told him I wanted us to be more intentional about how we talk about others even if it was just us. I wanted to savor every bit of Jesus I was able to hold from the weekend. I didn’t want to be negative, not even a little. He looked at me kind of confused when I told him I wanted to express my grief or frustrations differently, so I answered the question he didn’t ask and said, “it’s just, I don’t want Satan to show up any where near me. I don’t want him to feel invited. Me and you, we can talk about anything, but lets honor God even in our safe places.” He smiled and said okay, we can do that.” but we don’t… not always. This is a message all of us need, but none of us will apply. God wants us to be Holy, but He knows we are not. There are two concepts we miss about that statement. One is that God accepts us as a broken people, even the most Christian-Christian is never going to get it all right… The second involves the first. Just because we aren’t Holy, does not mean we shouldn’t strive to be… and when we fail, we should recognize we fail, giving God an opportunity to teach us even more. We can never reconcile our mistakes if we spend more time trying to cover them up than facing them. We live in two different places. There’s the place of who we are… and then there’s the place of where we want people to see that we are…. and the gap in between. I wish I could tap tap tap away on my keyboard begging for answers of why we do it, but truth is, I think I know. Because we spend so much time trying to look so together, so perfect, so ‘no, my life, my marriage, my children, my body, and my home are flawless’ kind of way that it creates no room for human error. It sucks the possibility of vulnerability and opportunity to heal right out from under us by us. We take posed after posed picture like we’ve got it all together, knowing you haven’t talked to your husband in days, your kid licked a shoe, you’re mad at God for not answering that prayer, and you have 56 dollars to last until next pay day. There is real space there. Sweet friend, hear this. You can offer the world all the half truths your little fingers can peck, but at the end of the day, it’s just you and God.. and the best part is He knows. He knows that your marriage is failing while you are smiling, pretending it’s okay. He knows that you yelled at your kid over that spilled drink. He knows that you’re holding untruth after untruth in your heart, praying no one finds out. He was there when you took one drink too many, crawled in one bed too many men. He sees you wanting to be seen at church for doing that thing, wanting some of the credit for things he has obviously done in your life. He hears you asking those questions so you can ‘pray for someone’, knowing you only want the latest gossip. He sees you overspend. He knows what your heart really feels when you pray for their well being. He knows. He knows who you used to be, and he knows who you are. He knows where you’re at and where you’re going. and all He wants is our honesty. Not just for Him, not even just for you, but all of these other people like you and me that desperately need to know that there are real people with real problems that are still doing real and good things. I think we try and live on two sides of broken; the side that says God can’t use me and the side that says here God, this way… Either way you’re discrediting God as Lord. One side is telling God who He isn’t and the other is telling Him you know more than He does.. when all He really wanted was for us to say Here, God. This is a mess; heal me and use it. After reading yet another quote today by Mo Isom that floated into my email, I knew this was a message we desperately need. “We cannot be divided- one person behind closed doors and another on a public stage- its not authentic, its showmanship. I have learned well one thing my small amount of time in ministry. It’s that people want to talk about their problems but they don’t want to address them. Early in my ministry, women poured into my inbox. They wanted to talk about their spirituality, about their marriages, about their affairs, about their church, the leaders of their church… but a large majority of them didn’t want to actually address their problems… I know reality is hard to face sometimes. It’s why so many people trusted me with secrets I will take to my grave. Its because I was open about my mistakes, about my divorce, my childhood, the person I used to be, the person I was trying to become. and I still don’t have it together. I still think things and say things I shouldn’t. My heart breaks when I get it wrong, and honestly? I probably pretend to get it right more than I actually do. .. and If I’m still being honest, I’ll probably do it again. You will, too, but in between those times I want to challenge you to evaluate the gap, the space between what you look like and who you are, and let the Lord work. “Are we beginning to praise ourselves again? Are we like others, who need to bring letters of recommendation, or who ask you to write such letters on their behalf? Surely not! The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you. Clearly you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry amount you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. it is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts” 2 Corinthians 3:1-3 NLT Do you want to know what this says? What it means for you? It means that you don’t need validation from others to be who you are. It means that you were created by the One true God, and born under the new covenant that says people are just messy, but if they accept me, I’ll allow it.. because TRUE surrender to God means a heart that is tender and seeks His purpose and His will, that knows they will never measure up to that carved in stone law, but desperately wants to try. Sanctification is a real thing at any stage in your walk with God because loving Him is a process that never stops. As your faith grows, you will too. What I’ve found is it’s sometimes easier to be honest with God, than it is to be honest with ourselves. Have you told yourself that you’ve accepted Christ as Lord, but hold on to old sin, constantly afraid that someone might find out what you did or who you were? Have you prayed to God for His will be done in your life, while you continue to make your own plans. Do you call out for God in desperation for His intervention, but spend more time on facebook than in His word? Me too; all of it. Girl, give it up. the past, the pretty.. all of it. Stand up right in the middle of the mess. Quit praying for your husband to change because your marriage is a wreck, and posting that picture hashtag my best friend. Quit filtering your photos, none of us are that tan either. Quit laundering all of your new things on social media, because all of us women shop when we hurt too. Don’t post the Bible verse, and then start the gossip. Be honest with others, but girl, be honest with you. I see you, friend. Let me help. I know you because I am you. Reach out. All in love, #Mercychristfollowerofchristproblemschristianbloggerjesusheisgood #GodTruthTeachMeGuidemeHopeitrustinYou #ChristLightInthewordMadeNewTrustUnfailingLovegracemercyshame #HiswillbrokenpiecesGodreligiontruthMessandmercy #Messandmercy #messandmercythegreatiamgodis #GodTiredMercyReligiousRest #GodTiredMercyAngerReligiousRevengeRest #religionreligiousGod #Messandmercymessandmercywordshehealsbrokenessbrokentrustfaith #bible