Not what you "can't change" but what you want to
I’ve been a little absent over the last two weeks, I apologize. I have been settling my heart on some big decisions and also celebrating my husband welcoming the big 3-0 this weekend. I’ve been away from paper, but I promise you guys haven’t been away from me.
I was driving home from work last night just in awe, after finishing up the last few chapters of Job, at God’s wonder. We live in such a cruel, broken world… and still..He painted the most beautiful sunset, kissing the skies the prettiest pink as breakss of light shone through the fullest, whitest clouds, just enough wind to make the pasture wave back. I had to just stop. How can something so ugly be so beautiful? Then I thought about Gods relationship with world, a constant battle with good vs evil.. and then I thought about His relationship with us- unending, explicit, unconditional love. If He sees fit to paint a sky of sin with that kind of beautiful sunset, what could He paint in us if we’d only let Him.
I think so many people fear a complete surrender to the Lord because people know they can’t get it all right. I can’t do all of those things He asks.. even when I try to be a better person I just can’t. I’ve got a bad mouth one day and a bad attitude the next. Paul, Romans 7, talks about this same frustration. God I love you and I want to do right. The things I want to stay away from, I run to. The things I want to run to, I stay away from. Even when I try to do right, try to live your law, try to be good, evil finds me anyway.
……But then there’s chapter 8- 1st verse. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” The verses continue to say you are set free. For what you are POWERLESS to fight off, God fought for you when He put His son on that cross. Sigh of relief, right? Of course we’re going to get it wrong- but listen..This is grace. There’s no condemnation, y’all. No punishment. it’s bled on, painted over, paid for, my deposit has been made and so has yours. Deserving His blessings and the freedom to receive them are two very different things. We are, have always been, will always be underserving of His love… He lived to die. Blood for error. I fall so short so many times; I need a savior, we all do. And. We. Have. One. That’s why we have to receive Him with humility, because we’ve got to know we will never deserve it… and that’s okay. The only thing we can get wrong, the biggest mistake to make, is not loving the man that can make it all right.
I know I’m not perfect, thank God I don’t have to be. I find it exhausting just trying to be me with error, much less me without it. All I have to offer is a broken spirit Lord, one with a past full of shame and regret, it’s my only sacrafice- and you Lord will not despise it. Psalm 51 brings me so peace. It’s OKAY. Peace to just tears. Don’t be intimidated by failing God. it doesn’t count that you can’t stop making the same mistakes over and over- what counts is that you want to. Not actions, but heart. What does your heart want? Keeping wanting better for you because of Him, watch how He loves you for it, and your sin? How he loves you despite it. Quit trying to understand it. You can’t. You weren’t supposed to. That’s how great He is- Great beyond what we can imagine. Don’t analyze it, don’t fear it, just receive it for what it is- for what He is- just Good. If He chooses to paint that kind of beauty on the canvas of a world full of hate, just imagine what He would choose in you. There’s a blank page waiting, turn it.
Xoxo
Katie
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