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yes, I've been 'that girl'

There’s alot of transparent shame of mine packed in this, and its kind of all over the place but that’s kind of how my mind works, so just bare with me. Beauty. I’ve had a few pretty serious conversations with my oldest daughter about ‘pretty’ over the last month or so. We were in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere together and she stepped on the scale. Looking defeated, she stepped off and I asked, “baby, what’s wrong?” KK I’ve gained two more pounds. I recognized this look; I’ve made it many times myself. Not in front of her, of course, but my husband sees and hears it often. I took a deep breath, feeling a little convicted myself, and told her “baby you are beautiful. Did you know that scale has to weigh your heart, too?” She replied, “I haven’t really thought about that, KK, but yeah, my heart has grown some.” and that was enough for her; she moved on… but it wasn’t enough for me; worry set in. I worry about little hearts like hers all the time; they’re so big.. and so fragile. We are a mirror for our children. They see us…. see us. I’ll explain. It’s not lost on y’all that I am an imperfection person. We all are. I’m almost ashamed (actually I am) at the things I’ve done to be ‘beautiful’. Now this has little relevance so read until the end but this is where it started. This morning… I had this massive bump on my face… that I picked over to make worse and I was trying to justify in my head spending money on an old skin care regimen I used to use.. that I loved. And that got me thinking about all of the other money I’ve spent for beauty products. I’ve probably tried every expensive weight loss regimen you can buy. Itworks, advocare, beachbody, plexus, thrive. (ps not knocking these products- I still buy my shakeology) I’ve paid for a lipo consult… knew that was irrational at the time and did it anyway. The Dr even laughed at me at my appointment and said “sure, i’ll do it but you don’t look bad for a mama with two kids.” I took that home with me and thought about it and decided to buy myself some boobs instead… and I did. I’m ashamed of that now, but then.. I felt so much better about myself. WHY though? What REAL improvement was that?? My entire life I have been so insecure about my body and I’ve tried everything I could to look better, feel better… never crossed my mind to just BE better. (I’m also ashamed of that) Y’all, I have three girls. I’m certain the day will come where they aren’t tall enough not Paytan because that’s probably “why she gained two lbs” she is SO tall to be only 8., not pretty enough, not smart enough. I have a son with a speech impediment. My stomach turns every time I think of how mean children can be; how they could treat him one day because he’s “different”. Why do we feel so less than? You are a mirror for your child. They are watching. They want to be like you. Do the things you do. I had the stomach bug last week, and my son watched me be sick. Then went around the house gagging saying “I sick toooo mama; I sick too.” If he wanted to be ‘like me’ then, sick and miserable, what else is he watching to imitate? Shame is a real thing. I’ve been in alot of broken places and I’ve done a lot of broken and imperfect things. Things I don’t want my children imitating. Alot of those things were trying to fill holes in my life that I didn’t even know existed… and what better to plant than beauty in darkness, right? No. A flower planted in the dark never has light to grow. Beauty is only skin deep, mama always says. pretty is as pretty does. You have to plant in Jesus. Y’all knew it was coming. keep reading. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of hold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 peter 3: 3-4 Love yourself. Let your kids see you love you and let them see you love the Lord. I’m just going to be real for a second. For as long as I could remember… I was ‘that poor girl whose dad died’, ‘that girl that got too drunk last weekend’; ‘that girl that had sex before she was married’. I’ve been ‘that girl that is brutally honest’ or ‘that girl that left her husband’. The ‘girl with depression’; the girl that went from being ‘the popular girl’ to ‘the new town misfit’. I have been a lot of different girls in my lifetime, many of them not ‘that good girl’. Last week I met someone and they said “you’re ‘the Bible girl’, right?” Y’all, I could have cried. A different identity, a new name. A good name, with a new start, and a fresh life. A clean heart. You are not all of the names you once were; you are not the names of your past; and you are not less than. YOU are a new body with a new name. You are forgiven. YOU ARE SAVED. The people will see your rightouesness, and all the kings your glory; you will be called a new name, a name the Lord gives” Isaiah 62:2 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 john 1:9 purify me, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.” psalm 51:7 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.” psalm 51:10 “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols” Ezekiel 36:25 “He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit” Titus 3:5 “So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word” Ephesians 5:26 He cleans, He sees the dirty, empty, lonely holes, He fills, and He heals. I don’t know what ‘kind of girl’ you have been… but be ‘the girl He cleaned’ Be Healed. So So Much love, Katie

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